I’m fuckin’ exhausted. Having a toddler sucks my energy. I’m in need of vacation!!!
Things are progressing just great with our family. We’re even on our way to a new place to live. I am excited about it, but I do worry I’m going to build this up to the point where I’ll be disappointed when we’re done and in our new home. And any little mishap makes it seem horrible. Trying to stay just slightly excited.
Getting to this point has been a long time coming and it’s taken a lot of stressing out on my and R’s parts. He wanted a decent place and would not look for it, agree to spend more, or settle. I finally gave up. That’s when it became so I needed to be working part time in order to help him with the place we would go to. I said OK but applied nowhere. So then he decided he would move out on his own and if I wanted to come I’d need to get that job. I did not appreciate this threat and we definitely went round. Then he agreed with me and all became well. Thank God.
I’ve been feeling useless being a SAHM. I have tried to keep up on the house, the child, the boyfriend, the dinners, but it exhausted me. I thought it was just my lack of social life that had me down in the dump, but with R and I taking a living space break, I can see it’s more than that. I love him to death, but he does not lift a finger around here unless I ask. One thing I know drove my management career into the ground was not asking for help. So the same thing has come to bite my ass. Coooooool.
I realized it because once I had space, I wasn’t dirtying up the place as much, garbage wasn’t laying around as much, and when I made us dinner tonight, I was exhausted afterward because I decided to spend Aubrey’s nap cleaning, he laid on the couch, then after she got up, she wanted constant attention and finally I had to cook, entertain her (he laid on the couch) and now there’s a giant mess in the kitchen I have to clean… and he’s gone. He said thank you and he made me feel like I was appreciated. I just wish the chores weren’t so one-way. I have to do all the chores aside from trash, car maintenance, occasional grocery shopping, and then I also have to get a job, because I need a concrete reason to leave the house or else I barely manage that, after all I have to do. I don’t want to go out for hardly any reason, and mom friends are hella hard to come by, and it takes me entirely too long to get “dressed” because I have developed some kind of body image dysmorphia, and require a pound of makeup. My life has changed a LOT since I had this baby and frankly I have no idea what the hell happened.
So yeah, we need to discuss chore distribution for the new place, and who will watch Aubrey and when. I also want to just say that the number of times he has taken her off my hands and away from the house is not a high enough number, either. He needs to get his ass in gear as much as I do. There’s not enough tag outs in order for me to not feel utterly exhausted at the end of EVERY day for me to be able to get my life where I want it, and it’s killing me inside. I know a lot of strong women would not stand for this shit so it makes it that much worse to know that.